teisipäev, august 07, 2007

Kuhu võib üks foorumi jutumäng viia...What a story game on a forum can develop into...

There was once an old house in London, where someone lived. It turned out to be a strange creature, called Edward Abberline. And he was a drug dealer. His mother was also a drug dealer. As was his father and 8 cousins.
One day, while visiting his dead bride's grave, Edward Abberline saw a horseman. The horseman was dressed all in black, and was slowly moving toward him. "Oh... damn... I need to go home and get some of my brother Fred's absinthe... sheeit" said Edward to himself, and quickly ran home.

In his house Edward Abberline remembered that he had a date with his cousin, Lucy, who was busty. Edward fancied this cousin Lucy, so he took a bottle of absinthe and a box of chocolate, and went out again.

But it was then that he noticed
that she was more busty than usual and asked her: "How big are your breasts, Dave?"
"why do you ask?" -
"well, because I want to borrow a
screwdriver." Said Edward.

But then he realized that his cousin was
a man. "Ewwww" said Edward. "You take the chocolate, she-man, I will drink the absinthe". He opened the bottle and drank half of the absinthe, which was the good old stuff of the 19th century. A green fairy with a voice of Joyce appeared and purred in Edwards ear like a disgusting little amsterdam hooker. Edward impulsively tried to wipe her off and tsk ! there were all those green fairy pieces on the floor.
Edward Abberline said:" Okei, how does this go? Chidren if you believe in hookers....I mean, fairies...ehhmmm.. what was it.....drink to that?"

"Idiot!", laughed
his father, who was in his death bed.
"You have to
visit the legendary chocolate factory of Willy Wonka, and bring me the great crucifix made out of chocolad, only that way can you fight the evil Vampire Count Orlock, who has bitten me, and who will turn me into a vampire, unless you stop it with the great choco-crucifix! Don't cry baby, you must be brave and do this, before that chest over there that has my clothes becomes a dead man's chest! Go now my boy!"
So Edward wanted to go to the factory, but he didnt have a ride. He stuck out his thumb and waited to hitchike when a red topless car came down the street.

"Noo! This is bat country!!!" He heard a man call, waving his hands frantically in the air.

"I need a ride to the chocolate factoy of Willy Wonka! Can you give me a ride?" Edward asked.

"That depends..." said the man in a polo shirt and a white hat. "Only if you
can make an addition to our drug collection. Are you packing anything, boy?"
"Only sugartreats"
"Well.
Hand them over and get in!" Said the man. Edward did so, noticing white powder all oveer a black brief case.

"Whats that?" Edward asked.

"Why, boy, its
Baking powder. Way more rave than mescaline. Try".

Edward, when baking powder mentioned, had a flashback
of when he had a scary acid trip about cookies with medieval torture devices.

Edward decided to
take a nap.
When he got up he was in.
a bathtub, waiting for the white rabbit to give him the ultimate high, then he saw the Doc standing over him with a toaster.

"ahh!" he cried, sitting up. "What am i dong here? Whats going on?"

"Well boy,
I am trying to lift the Great Gonzo Ether Curse from you. for that you must bring me 500 tons of pot from Columbia. Cheap. Take this - it is the old watch my grandpa used to have. This watch is very dear to our family, and it has magic powers. If you ever find yourself in a big trouble, in a desperate situation, press this button here. This will automatically transfer some drugs to you from another dimension. Press once and you get weed. Press twice and you get ether. Press three times, and now listen carefully... if you press it three times, you will get Wonka brand chocolate bars."
Edward blinked.
"Chocolate isn't a drug..." he said, confused. Suddenly a flutey voice riddled with nervous laughter came on over the loudspeaker. It was Willy Wonka.
"Well said, Edward..." Willy said, munching on a sugar cookie shaped like a giraffe. "But my candy does have an addictive quality, I must admit..." he added. There was a knocking at the door over the loudspeaker, and they could hear the voice of Captain Jack Sparrow asking where all the butter rum was. Then Captain Jack asked of Willy Wonka: "Say, mate...um...
Would you be a mate and find my Samoan Lawyer? I want to get these damn lizards out of my trousers, and he has the big fat magnum for the job."

Then he clucked nervously, and Edward, with wide eyes, made his exit to the left, and ran into Freddy Kreuger, cackling menacingly, who reached his claws above his head and yelled: "
DIE BITCH!"

Edward ran, being pursed by the burnt man in a christmas sweater.

"Someone help!" He shouted desperatly...

Suddenly he noticed someone running towards him holding a rifle. It was
Victor.
Victor was running at full speed from his children, holding a rifle in case he had to shoot them.
"Damn fanfictions..." he said to himself. He screamed as he crashed into Edward and they both fell to the ground, and so Freddy tripped over them and broke his neck and died and Captain Jack swaggered onto the scene laughing his head off, Willy Wonka behind him. Then Ichabod ran up and began examining the corpse, muttering to himself.

Mort looked at all this and said:
" Why am I even here? Am I even real?"
Jack Sparrow (captain) saw Mort and went all blue in the face (sort of, if you even notice it with all the eyeliner). "You! You stole my BOAT!" Mort looked at him in amazement. "Wha...?"

Ichabod, who was absorbed in his activity (which being poking Freddy Kruegers fallen-out guts with a medical gadget), stood up and said:
"Gentlemen, this man is most likely dead. But to be completely sure I need to use Willy Wonkas marshmallow- cutting table to operate." He looked around but no one paid attention to this morbid man with a dark childhood.

"You stole MY boat!" screeched Jack, but before he could grab Mort´s throat, he fell unconcious from all the rum.

When he woke up, he felt weak. He noticed a red typewriter beside him and was about to lift his hand to type a farewell message, when he remembered being cast out of scool 19 years ago. "Oh....yeah....I cant write...." Then he saw someone´s toes next to his cheek. it was
an old grandma. Hse murmered "Dancing in the snowfall..." then helped him to his feet, smiled, and said, "You remind me of a man I used to know. He had scissors for hands...."

Jack thought it would be good fun to pick up Freddy's hat and do a dance, an activity that Ichabod, Edward, Mort, the long-ignored Victor (ahem...) and Willy Wonka all found it difficult NOT to laugh at, as Jack looked like a total idiot.
Then Jack thought it would be an even better idea to introduce Victor to rum. Now, Victor, who had never had alcohol in his life, the exception being his wedding -and that being a very minor amount- immediately went on a drunken escapade.
He immediatly began to join a drinking contest between Jack and Raoul Duke.

Raoul, who had been previously mentioned, had, when everyone was laughing at Victors drunken antics, began passing out an american flag containing ether.

Everyone
snorted the ether, then went into a trippy dreamland, where they encountered an enormous fat woman in front of a grocery store. She opened her rubbery mouth and uttered: "Kore wa ii nioi ga shimasu"
now, all of the Depps, who didn't speak this language (to my knowledge) said "whaaaa?"
Then, a translator stepped into the story and explained that she said:

" Antwon " King" Phibes orders you to go to a dead whale on the coast of New Zealand and collect some lard to make a new Indeppth, Really indeppth perfume called "The Ninth Gate of Willy: The Curse of Scissorhands."
that perfume makes scissorhands grow on everyone who wears it. "

So they did, and though the dead whale smelled disgustingly, they all climbed into it through a secret window among its teeth Mort had found. It was so cosy inside the whale, so warm, wet and bloody, that Abberline laid down and had a nap. His absence went unnoticed when the others climbed out and started a return trip to Antwon "King" Phibes.
Of course, El Capitan Jack had to snatch the perfume as soon as it was ready and poored a whole bottle on himself. As soon as he had done it he felt itchy. He felt very itchy. something was spawning from his shoulders, arms, back, thighs, neck and.... well, places. "This is interesting, veeery interesting," mumbled jack, staring at the scissorhands rapidly covering his pirate body in scissor bush. Soon he looked like a drunken hedgehog, tottering around the ship deck while the others were completely stunned by the sight.
Inspector Abberline woke up from his nap and looked around, having completely forgotten he is inside the whale. He noticed he was not alone. There were two guys sawing a man in pieces, one that seemed to be engaged in setting himself on fire, a girl with a diving mask painting what looked like pelican testicles; and a hot french woman making hot french chocolate.
Abberline hesitated for a moment, when Mary´s image flashed through his mind, but then got up and walked over to the french lady with yummy looks. " Why hi there, my li´l lady, do you need protection from the big bad Parisienne pimps?"


Right then, someone jumped in from somewhere.

It was....


Ed Wood in David Hasselhoff costume. "Hey guys, a costume- and drag party on the first floor of Afterlife! I decided for a " extremely eighties look" instead of angora this time."

"80's?! Did someone just say 80's?!" Shakin' Stevens jumps onto a scene, makes sort of Gene Kelly'like dance, spins around few times and stops with arms spread and huge cheesy smile on his face. Then he begins to make circles with his waist like crazy: "L-l-lets s-s-shake everyb-b-body! Leeeets shak-k-k-k-ke!!"

Suddenly, all the walls turned into red curtains, whole world came silent... black kid appeared (The Hoff's friend), but he was different than usual: moving & talking backwards like the little man from Twin Peaks series. "'nikahS snevetS, uoy mucs. Og kcab ot eht kcalb egdol ro I llahs ezilairetamed ruoy sniarb htiw ym citenicelet ecrof." Stevens looked at the black kid with great saddness, a single tear came down his cheek: "Oh, you bastard... you can suck my dick you little screwed up monkey" he whispered. "Sa uoy hsiw", then the black kid's eyes turned all white & horrific grim of madness twisted his face, Shakin's Stevens screamed in pain. He grabbed his crotch gripping it tight, "Please, c-c-cut the t-t-tortures", the black kiddo didn't want to stop, you could see an evil smile of diabolic satisfaction on his young, beautiful black face. "AGGHHGRR!!", shouted Stevens and then his crotch exploded with huge geyser of blood, right after his chest imploded and his head outbursted into million pieces, splattering his brain on red curtains.

The black kid turned normal again (well, as normal as walking & talking backwards person can be), sighed and said in low & sexy voice: "Won, s'erehw ym hctib aruaL remlaP. zoC' yddad si ni eht doom rof eht eiphcaep htiw a eipmaerc, eh eh",
but there was no more Laura Palmer, and they found scraps of her on the edge of the river, where Jack Sparrow, turned into a ball of sharp scissorhands by the magic perfume, had cut her in million pieces. "Oh fuck it", said Jack, and went to seek help from Bela Lugosi.
Bela didnt exactly welcome him with open arms, for understandable reasons. Jack said, " Thus I cometh to thee, with a deep sorrow in mine heart, that the faith of mine, to be covered with scissors, will keep me from so many things in life. Like....Giselle. Scarlett. Anamaria. I beggeth thee, Bela, have thy some thing that might end my cursed situation?"
Bela said: " Why dont you go shoot bearbottles in the back yard with Hunter Thompson, while I consult my best friend the Bride of Dr. Jekyll and Formalde- Hyde". So jack went and spent a lazy afternoon among ze Big Bazookas with the gonzo knight.
Bela then went to his kitchen shelf and hummed: " Well, well, lets see. I have here....
several wonderful drugs...mostly morphine...but, uh..."
At the mention of drugs, Raoul and Doc Gonzo rushed back onto the scene and handed Jack some rum. So...they all got VERY drunk and ended up passing out on Bela's floor. Bela looked to Bunny, who had a perverted grin on his face, and slowly scooted from the room. Then Bunny knelt down next to Doc Gonzo and
started licking some white rabbit from the sleeve of his red woollen shirt.
Bunny was very aroused at this scene. "Wow, guys....", he said, "I didnt know you were that way". at which Doc Gonzo appeared and pinched Bunny´s bum. "White Bunny, White Bunny...."

alas, we leave that bunch of pervos for the moment and turn our glance once more toward the sorry fate of scissorhanded captain Sparrow. He was very drunk, and though one should never do drugs while drunk he went to Bela´s cabinet and opened a chest. he found there two bottles. one had a label saying" drink from me". the other had a label saying: " Drink from me too!" Jack, when not sober, has always been very obediant, especially to labels on curious bottles, thus he drank....from both bottles. As soon as he had done that, he turned into a grapefruit. Doc Gonzo came in and said: "oooh, grapefruit!" and peeled and ate him. then all the people in the house sat into the red convertible and headed off to Miami, where they met Donnie and Lefty.
Donnie was about to
reprimand Al Pacino for damaging parking meters (haha!) before he was hit by the red convertible going at 2 miles an hour...which is really slow. Essentially, nobody was really harmed, but then Casper Van Dien hopped in the car, grabbed Johnny Depp, looked passionately into his eyes and said:
"Johnny...I...I...
am sad to say this but you are not allowed to appear in this story as yourself - only as one of your characters. and then erased him and rewrote the whole script so that all the characters of Johnny Depp World ended up on top of Mount Everest.

"Cold. It crept up my spine like what?" said Duke.
"What?", Victor, holding a fork, asked back.
"No I am asking you - what? ...and what are you doing with the fork, this is not that Ethan Hawke movie, dude!"
Suddenly they heard the sound of metal against stone. the peeked over the edge of the top and saw
Agent Sands and El Mariachi!
Sands, being pissed off at his lack of eyes and his presence on Mt. Everest, pushed El Mariachi off of the cliff and used the guitar as firewood. Victor used his fork to cook El Mariachi's left arm, and they feasted like kings...of a cannibal colony. Ichabod looked up from the bed, where he had been playing Sudoku with Glen and promptly vomited at the sight of Victor, Duke, and Sands eating human flesh.
"For the love of God!" Ichabod said, "If you're going to do that, why don't you just
go find yourself a jolly old caribbean savage tribe to dwell with."

"I thought I did already," mumbled Jack, "y´know they´re not such savages, they did have paprika."
The only one not taking part of the cannibal orgy was Joe Pistone...oh, excuse me - Donnie Brasco. The moral and dutyful agent sat, his eyes turned towards the pink sunset of Tibet....

Duke intervened:"Eww. I like the bloody dialog in this story, but the narrator is a bloody amateur."

So they now tried to plot how to catch the narrator.
Will Turner suggested that they shave Jack's back to make rope from his hair (ew) and tie the narrator up. *group of Johnny Depp characters all stare at the narrator* Alright, alright...they made a NET out of Jack's backhair...
Jack:

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! So...they, um...they get some .....
bait! But just not my jar of fart...blurt...bark...DIRT! Dirt, I mean. "

Agent Pistone looks at him pityingly. "No, who would we use your jar of crap...excuse me -dirt, who would ever fall for that? we´ll set up a roulette table and get the narrator hooked on gambling."

Duke was shocked at the very idea...but they got the table anyway. They were gambling for a while and the narrator strolled over.
"Can the narrator play?" she asked, referring to herself in the third person.
"Yes." Said inspector Fred.

After 3 hours of gambling, the narrator was stone-broke and had to earn money from the Johnny Depp characters by doing them a special favor: she had to
decorate their trailers with mouse skin covers, fly wing lamp shades and squirrel hair pillows. so she wouldve been very busy for another 15 years sewing the mouse skins and fly wings together but.....

the following is a direct dialog between Johnny depp characters since there is no narrator. figure it out yourself who sais what.
"My friends....Duke. As I comprehend I was called to solve the mystery of a much needed, but missing narrator?"
"Don´t use such fine words, lad, we´re not but a bunch of broke losers in a casino."
"You stole my narrator!"
"I did not, I was just admiring the shape of her scull."
"So, the narrator was put to work in a closed cabinet. Her scissors found separate from the needle. Or where they?"
"Scissors? Stone?"
" Half a stone, actually."
"Lads, try to speak sense and not do anything sssss- stupid..."
" I smell a concpiracy here and it points to Duke!"
"Whaaaa? "


Pistone, the most sensible one was observing this (Jack:"Oy? Who´s narrating this now?" ), with George Jung handcuffed to his elbow, shaked his head and whispered: "They are complete idiots." he then picked up the pohone and called
Derek to see if they could get some pot and mayhaps some blow with which to intoxicate the narrator...
All JD characters: *look around, trying to figure out who the narrator is*
However, the narrator was using cheap foreign labor to finish the mouse fur and fly wing...things...and it took her a grand total of 3 days...
Jack: Veeeeeery interesting...
Duke: We need to get some golf shoes...no footing in all these furs...you see all these geckos? They have CLAWS!

The narrator, deciding to flee, hops into dukes car and drives to
the owl farm. "Can I borrow your 150 feet, ash- dusted, dirty ol´ cannon?", sais the first narrator, while the mysterious second narrator is narrating this sentence this very moment.
Anita: " My pleasure. That Jenny Dopp guy would turn Hunter´s place into a junkyard if I let him. Some friend, huh?"

the first narrator then hooked the 150 -feet cannon to her car ( although the f*** she could drive, she drove as good as a blind racoon) and headed up to the tavern. There she started to plot another conspiracy, hiding her grim thoughts behind "The Aspen Times". but still the surrounding cowboys saw dark clouds of thought gathering
over her head. it soon got so dark it was impossible to shoot darts or cheat in poker.

meanwhile the JD characters were sitting around the fire in the old West eating beans. Suddenly George Jung said: " OOOOOOOhhhhh! Ohhhhh!"
Jack yelled: " I sense a fart coming! Quick, fart in the jar of dirt!" so George did. he farted so loud the jar of dirt flew all the way to the good old England....I mean, the OLD, 19th century England. there it was found and stored by Scotland Yard, cause they thought it was pudding - as you know, some puddings can be preserved for 125 years. But what Scotland Yard didndt know was that the jar also contained radioactive polonium, its force doubled by George Jung´s cocaine-soaked fart from the future. and exactly 128 years later it would be fatal to a former russian spy Litvinenko. but that´s that.

Now, Jack greived a little over his jar of dirt, but then something shiny caught his attention, in the bushes. so he disappeared to check and found an indian sitting there, mumbling something to himself ("Mumbler!", interrupted Willy).
Jack: "Oy, who are you and can I commodeer your horse...or mule....or a donkey-dog crossbred creature, whatever?"
Nobody said nothing. I mean, Nobody did say something, but Jack couldnt hear it cause he thought Nobody was there.

Narrator number one witnessed her original storyline getting way to messy to unravel. she picked up the JD characters one by one from all continents and time- space continiums with her giant goddess-hand, and placed them carefully inside the 150-feet cannon mixed with old rags, grapefruits, bubble gum and nitro. she gave nitro a kick....it warmed up....the bubble gum started to expand...and expand....and then
...*poof*

A little wisp of smoke crept out of the cannon, which was apparently coming from all the characters having a smoking party (...ergh).

Then Brom Van Bones (who randomly showed up) said...
in a very eunuch voice: "Help! Help! I´ve been cut in half!" and then fell apart.
Jack: "well, there is not much we can do for you, young disected man."
Duke was just mortified. but then the cannon fired and they were all blown up into space.
"Whoa, Superman!" said Duke.
"That´s not Supe, that´s just the Hole in the Ozone Layer, dummy!", explained Ichabod.
"Why is it not Superman?" Duke´s eyes looked so sad and disappointed Ichabod just had to kneel down and
gave him a rasberry.

George and Fred were disgusted, so they decided to go off and do something, such as
start singing "Where´s the Moon now, we´re lost in space!"
people on Earth had to make a whole new category of Grammys called "Best Outer Space Performance by Fictional Characters. "
After this genious idea, the other narrator is completely stunned and promptly passes out, very much like Ichabod Crane does. Ichabod, pissed off because he thought he was being mocked, decided to hit the comatose narrator with a napkin. (it was a clean napkin, there was no snot in it).

now, George´s Grammy speech had lasted about 4 hours, and after that Ichabod, George, Brom and others noticed Duke had disappeared. They looked behind Jupiter. Duke was not there. Then they looked behind Saturn, but Ichabod got stuck between Saturn´s belts, and when they finally released him, he said "Gentlemen....woof woof?" and fainted. They attached him to a passing comet and continued their search for Duke. Jack whispered: "I ave a bad feelin´bout this."

in truth, Duke had gone searching for a mssing spark plug for his convertible, when he suddenly passed a black hole, which sucked him in. His last word was "Sucker!"

Now, his attorney, shocked and saddened by his disappearance, promptly phoned Ralph Steadman and said "You better unplug your phone, Duke just disappeared into a black hole." So Ralph, who had been rudely awakened at 3 in the morning, threw his phone out the window and fell asleep.
Since it was very boring in the black hole, Duke decided to colonize the area and call it "Fat City", which he had intended to rename Aspen, Colorado to. The whole place somewhat resembled the State of Bam, founded by Bam Margera and ratified by the Bloodhound Gang, but instead of a Heartagram, Duke erected a giant cannon with the Gonzo fist.

Feeling bored, he shot himself out of that cannon, escaped the gravitational pull of the black hole, and ran into the comet to which Ichabod had been tied.
Ichabod opened his eyes.
"Well hello, good sir...what brings you to this comet?"
"What the [censored] do you think brings me to this [censored censored censored censored censored] comet, you [ccccccccccceeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnsssssssssssssssssoooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddd]?!?!?!?!"
Ichabod burst into tears and Duke groaned with frustration.
"You're so mean, Uncle Duke!" Ichabod sobbed. Duke snapped straight in horror.
"I am NOT Uncle Duke, I was Duke long before him! He's just a worthless poseur! ...Bodders, chill out, chill out...shhh...here, have a lime."
Having been given a lime to eat, Ichabod was quiet and so Duke decided that this would be a good time to
stop wearing his brain out with constant unreasonable swearing and dirty talk and tried to sing the first verse of Amazing Grace. But, alas, the title of the song made him think of his wild youth and there goes the holy and the little of soberness he had.

Duke got back at trying to free Ichabod ( WHY the wolrd needed this chick cop, he could never honestly tell). He noticed a red button on a comet. Ichabodcould on yell "Don´t....!" when Duke pushed the button and the comet....stopped. "Wow," mumbled Duke, "I had an acid dream just like that. "
Ichabod had meanwhile freed himself wih one of his morbid inventions - a three-way comet screwing spectacle lens, which he had found in his undershirt´s right lower pocket.

WE CUT IN TO INTRODUCE THE CONTENTS OF ALL ICHABODS POCKETS:

his undervests upper left pocket - a voodoo needle
his vests lower left pocket - well there WAS a watch.
his vests upper right small pocket - condoms.

Duke: Why do you have condoms in your pocket?
Ichabod: Long story. *puts them away*
Duke: Well, not that I mind, I was just curious.
[long, awkward pause]
Ichabod: Well, I need them because
I ran out of balloons. See? [takes out a condom poodle]
Duke, wide eyed, coughs in weird manner. "Khmmmmmha-yes....yes, I see." [pats Ichabod on the shoulder]. "That comet really messed you up, did it not? Let´s go to Gonzo´s place, he´ll save your sorry arse."

Duke and Ichabod disappear into the fog
Duke: wait? where´d that come from? wasn´t it supposed to be the Back Hole?

Narrator: BLACK Hole, you moron. With an "L".
Duke: "Hell?"
Narrator:"No, No, L, as in Lindsay Lohan Likes Lousy Looking Lounges, L.
Duke: I don´t like Lindsay Lohan. I like Debbie Reynolds.

Narrator: My dog, this could go on forever.

Meanwhile Jack paid a visit to Sam´s Famous Bagel Theatre and they were engaged in a rather dangerous act of hanging from a rope and firing bagels at the canvas, although such form of painting was heavily dissed by Joon. Jack took his mouth full of rum.
Sam: "We should do a bagel painting of nude Elisabeth Swann"
All the rum splashed out of Jacks mouth straight onto the painting.
"Bugger! Look what you made me do!" Jack cut himself loose and ran to the canvas. Then he started licking it.
"All this....shuish....rum here....shuish, slurp....

Duke arrives, looks at the licked, rum-soaked, bagel induced painting: "I am getting bad waves of paranoya from this..."


Brom, meanwhile, wished he could be in the story.
But it was not meant to be, for there was a terrible accident that went something along the lines of:

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

a chain collision of 8 Elvis impersonators from the lowest guts of Las Vegas.
Duke looked at them and mumbled: "Poor fools...we can´t save them...Nobody can."

upon which Nobody and William Blake just accidentally happened to walk by.
Nobody, a stupid indian man who walks around with a bloody maniac, thought he has to take the Elvises along. "Won´t you come with me my red haired Elvis my donkey he can carry two..." he began an irish folksong.
Then they disappeared into the distance ... or between the stage curtains.

Duke: "There they go. King´s own prototypes..."
Then he realized William Blake was waving a gun at his face. Duke startled.
"What? What do you want? I haven´t done anythin."
William gave this Johnny Depp trademark smile and said:
"Well, I thought we could go shoot some stray dogs. They seem to be bothering the peacocks strapped to your horseless carriage."
Duke looked around and saw that, indeed, stray dogs were harassing his portable peacocks.
"HOLY JESUS GODDAMMIT!" he screamed, wrenching the gun out of William's hand and blasting the f***ers away. There was a long pause, then:
"Let's get drunk." William said, just to have something to say.
"Dammit," Duke said, "your'e already drunk!"
William sighed in agreement and reached into his coat pocket, pulling out
a lemon.
"Well, we just might have to settle with..."
["Don´t say it," whispers Duke, "Edward´s here!"]
But William continues: "Lemonade".....

Narrator: "We pull the curtains to this sorry scene and join Gilbert Grape behind a great big bonfire.

Gilbert, who was obviously off his rocker, was dancing around said bonfire, chanting voodo rituals of blood sacrifice.

"Wakikikikiki wa shashashashasha Oooodo tooodo" He sang in a screeching voice that peirced the night sky like something that peirces the skies at night.

Some poor, unlucky soul tonight would be the one in the fire, paying for their sins to the voodoo god, Balakaraikii.

Jumping up and down,Gilbert sang the song once more before falling to the ground, completely exaughsted. Suddenly, there was a puff of smoke. The sacrificey was here...

It was
Glen Lantz.
To which most JD characters present went "Who???", being from a different time period and all...
but everyone had much more urgent things to do for Gil´s brother Arnie had climbed up a watertower again.
William Blake grapped Jack´s gun and said: " My poetry will bring him down!"
Gil gaspped air and yelled:"NOOOOO! He is my BROTHER!!!"
William figdeted indifferently.
Jack murmured: "That shot is not meant for him..."
William:" Thus, a day passed and the night arrived..."
Willy Wonka: "What are you mumbling about? We´ve been here for five minutes. ..Hmm, but that Arnie is a very naughty child. Maybe I should put him in the ....."

"You are not putting him anywhere!" cried a teeth-clenchy voice.
Everyone turned around to see Paul Kemp (in the upcoming Rum Diary movie, he will be played by Johnny Depp, after all) with his quirky paisley tie and skimpy seersucker shorts. Duke looked mildly interested by this fellow Gonzo journalist and said: "
I thought you were sexed up by an angry mob and then mobbed by a blonde hottie.
or was that in some other book...."

Paul collected himself, then made a sudden movement to escape.

Duke screamed "attention! that´s not Paul! That´s the ...uh.... oyster guy...no...DAVEY JONES!"
Paul stops and bounces back: "Oh now I am some tentacle freak, huh? Well, tell me - how could I wear knee- length trousers then? Rum-induced baboon...I was gonna go get the boy before you aboriginals bast the bejeezuz out of him. And then I want a sandwich and a cigarette and I am done for the day. "
William Blake had shot himself meanwhile, because he had not been allowed to shoot Arnie. Ichabod fainted at the sight of blood and Jack´s friends the crabs carried him away to dog knows where.
Paul brought Arnie down and got him wasted on pina coladas so he wouldn´t go anywhere again, and they all went to some corner shop to get sandwiches.
"Ithfofifothihkefah," said Edward Scissorhands, while they were taking turns to feed the poor handless guy.
"What???" asked Gilbert.
"Feh ih thomfing in mfhahh thangfihh", repeated Edward.
"I think he is saying " Fez is thumping in maharaja, thank you!", the over-educated narrator made an attempt to interpret Edward´s mumble.
Edward looked at her scornfully. "Mfa hifenthho thoukt fhe fehhen thaffat", he said with his mouth still full, "fahh kinnof mofhaan fuf JUU ihaaz offithoory?"
"we all know the answer to that, " said William Blake very silently, stuffing his fresh wound with tomatoes and garlic from the sandwitch.
Gilbert could not get the sandwich down cause he remembered the sad story with Arnies cake.
Edward started to puke. "WTF are you doing, man, we never gave you lemonade....or whisky..." protested Duke.
"I TOLD you there was something in my sandwich!!!!" screamed Edward, and pulled out ....


.....to be continued......




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